Thursday, August 19, 2010

Staying out of Trouble

So since we have started the new house rules and discipline arrangement I have, for the most part managed to stay out of trouble. My chores have gotten done on time every day, even the days when I had other errands to do. This is not so much because I am afraid to get the five promised smacks if I don't do one of the chores, but because I know that if I should repeat the offense, by not doing that chore again, I will get ten smacks and the third time fifteen and so on. I really don't want to start the multiplication process. I have managed to stop talking back, at least after the first warning. I do not feel the need to brat anymore or to test his resolve. I am certain that if I break a rule, I will be disciplined. At this point my motivation to behave properly is the fear of consequences. I have not yet reached the point where my desire to behave is based on my desire to be submissive, perhaps there will come a day.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The letter, our agreement

Well, he got around to reading my letter. His only comment was that he didn't think five strokes was enough, but that we would give it a try. So today I have chores that I will get done as my part of our agreement. It's pretty easy in the beginning to get all of my chores done, it's after some time that I let things start to slide. He has added that I clean out the refrigerator today, which I've been meaning to do anyway. I have a habit, that I inherited from my mother, where I just shove things into the fridge wherever they fit without much thought, and I save every bit of leftover food. It doesn't take long for the fridge to become an unorganized mess of bad leftovers mixed with new groceries and whatever I'm looking for is somehow invisible until I look for something else, then whatever I was looking for suddenly appears before my very eyes. So not much to report at this point except that we are going to "give it a try". That, and the fact that I just realized I broke a rule last night, I smoked inside the house. I had forgotten about our new agreement. So, today I will at some point confess, and if he sees fit I will submit to his discipline. I know that this isn't a very good start. It truly didn't occur to me until this morning, that I had broken a rule. I am going to print out the rules and put them on the fridge by my chore list, perhaps that will help me to remember.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Topping from the Bottom

I am really trying not to top from the bottom, that's why I left him alone about DD for more than 2 years. The problem is that his idea of a memorable spanking for me is more like a thrashing and I just can't stay in position, which is disrespectful and makes him understandably angry. I'm really just trying to compromise with him on the number of strokes I get for breaking a rule, I want to be submissive and I want to stay in position for him. I hate when he walks away from spanking me and he's still angry because he had to fight with me to do it. I can't blame him for being angry, and I feel even more guilty than before he spanked me. He does like being in charge and running the household and he's very good at it, and I am very thankful that I have such a wonderful man. I'm just trying to get the discipline part right, without topping from the bottom. His alternative is just to not spank me at all, which really doesn't work. We've never had written rules that I was supposed to follow. Pretty much all I ever got spanked for was having a smart mouth or being insolent. I am asking him for more structure with slightly less severe punishments. He still hasn't read the letter so I can make changes if it's really not expressing what I wanted it to.

Monday, August 9, 2010

He doesn't know it's called DD

This was originally a response to a comment but I thought it made more sense to have as a blog post,so I'm sorry if you've already read this but here it is as it's own post...

I guess the thing is that I don't even think he knows it is called DD. I have always wanted to be spanked and craved the discipline. I found LDD and CDD (I'm not Cristian however) and it was exactly what I was looking for. I wrote him a letter 4 years ago asking him to spank when he thought it was necessary or if my behaviour was not up to his standards. All he said was okay. It sarted out more erotic than punishment. I purchased a couple of straps and a paddle shortly after the spankings took on more of a punishment feeling. I have asked him to read the LDD book and left laying around the house for him to find hoping he would get curious. He still hasn't read the book. I guess since he was disciplining me I just left him alone about it to do as he saw fit. It's just not quite right where I want it to be. I think hes backed off on it because he didn't see the type of improvement he was looking for. I had e-mailed him excerpts from the web site back in the begining and that helped a lot. SO now I'm trying again to get him back into it, until yesterday it had been almost 3 months since he spanked me because I was angry with him about the way he spanked me the last time. I'm trying to figure all this out and figure out a way to get what I need. Sorry this reply to your comment was so long, it sort of took on a life of it's own. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, it really helps me to figure all this out.


Seriously I just found this, this is the cutest thing I've ever seen and I want it!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The fight is over

So W did come home in a better mode than he was in at lunch. We ordered dinner from a new restaurant, which I was disappointed in. It's this Italian restaurant in a weird out of the way place where you wouldn't expect to see a restaurant. I ordered a salad and a side of garlic bread, he ordered a patty melt and fries. When the food arrived the delivery guy was wearing black and white checkered pants, like the ones you see in a cartoon with an Italian restaurant scene. I just thought that was cute. Anyways when I took the food from him I realized that it was all in one bag. I paid him and quickly opened the bag. They put my supposed to be cold salad in between the two the warm things. Wth? Who wants to eat a warm salad? Needless to say it wasn't very good. The bread was good, but that's kind of hard to mess up. He said his patty melt was good too. So as we spent our evening together I was reminded very quickly if I even put a toe over the line. He had the dog up in his lap a few times, which isn't the end of the world but she is not supposed to be on the furniture, or on our laps on the furniture. She's a 45 pound American Pit Bull Terrier, not a lap dog. Her name by the way is Harleigh (he chose the spelling). Anyway any time she jumps up on the couch to snuggle with me he tells her to get down, but when she jumps up in his lap he sweetly asks her (while petting her) "What makes you think you can just get up here?" Well gee, let's see, could it be because you pet her and don't tell her to get down when she does it? I wonder... Argg. So at one point I looked at him and said "I don't want her up there." He said nothing and continued to pet her and watch T.V. A few moments passed by and I looked at him again and said "It really bugs me that she's up there." His response was "well you do things that really bug me." I started to argue with him when he quickly lifted one stern finger and said "Hold your tongue." That was all that was said on that subject.
Later when he said he was going to bed I asked for a hug and kiss goodnight. This is the conversation that followed:
"No. You have not been nice, you have been naughty. Haven't you?"...(I don't answer) "Have you not?"
"Well I was good after you whopped my butt."
"Do you deserve a hug and kiss?"
"Well..." ( a little pouty)
"I asked you a direct question didn't I?"
"... yes Sir."...pause... I was answering his question about asking me a question, not the question about whether or not I deserve it.

"Do you deserve it?"
Another long pause...

"I think I do deserve it." Very pouty.
"What? Another butt whopping?"


And that was that. I didn't get my hug and kiss. Even though the fight is pretty much over and he's speaking to me again, he feels the need to drive home a point and he is never affectionate with me when hes annoyed. I followed him to bed and asked one more time but he said no. I didn't want him to think that his spanking was ineffective so I left him to go to sleep.

So after our fight last night he was in a pretty bad mood this morning. I went out and got us breakfast, kind of like a peace offering. He was still mad. I don't remember what he said to me but I told him to shut the f*** up. I was laying on the couch when I said it. I heard him get up and he opened the top of the coffee table where the paddle used to be kept. (Our coffee table top rises so that you can eat at the table comfortably, there are 2 small cubby type places right under the top.)
"Where is it?"
I could hear the anger in his tone.
"In the bedroom." I got up and walked back to our bedroom and he followed me. I handed him the large strap knowing full well what he wanted but hoping he would take the strap instead.
"This isn't it!"
Crap. I know that. Seeing how angry he was I quickly went to the closet and got the paddle. The paddle in the picture is the exact one that we have. It hurts like hell.
I laid on the bed and gave me a smack that hurt so much I sat up. He had to tell me a couple of times to lay back down and for the last two he was holding my hands out of the way. I only got about 5 smacks but they really hurt. Needless to say I have been on my best behaviour since then.
He still has not read the letter and he's still mad about last night. I don't even remember what the fight was about but I had had a few drinks and I know I was pretty awful. Hopefully he's in a better mood when he gets home.

5 am

I hate being up at 5 am, especially on weekends. We got into a fight last night. He hasn't read my letter and after the way I acted last night I am not so sure how he's going to react to it. I don't want to get into the specifics of the fight right now, but it was dumb. I am not even really sure what it was about. So anyway hopefully he will not be too mad today and read my letter, we will see.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Head of Household

I keep reading blogs where women discuss the transformation that their husbands have gone through to be HOH. I don't think W went through any changes, he was always authoratative and a bit commanding. Other than spanking me instead of yelling at me I'm not so sure he went through much change at all, but I wonder if I'm wrong. Just thinking out loud. On another note, I was submissive for the most part. Right now I really feel like DD was almost natural for us, maybe he made it that way...

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Here is the letter I've written to W, I'll let you know what happens

I would like to start off by saying thank you for everything you do for me. I know you work your ass off and you take really good care of me. I appreciate you and love you very much.
I’ve been thinking lately though. It seems I have some very bad habits. When I was working full-time I had an excuse for things not getting done around the house because I could just say that I was tired from work. However now that I’ve been out of work for a while I notice that the same things are not getting done. I was afraid this would happen. I tried to make a list of things that I needed to get done every day and you helped assure me that it was in the best interest of my backside that I get them done. However slowly one by one I stopped doing my chores and you started letting me slide out of my responsibilities. I am never going to be as successful in life as I could be if I am lazy and I procrastinate. I want to get rid of my bad habits so that I can be a better and stronger person. I want to replace them with good habits and just being able to accomplish what I intend to accomplish on a given day. While I know all of this I find that I constantly make excuses to you and to myself about why I couldn’t do whatever it was.
I think part of the problem was that 50 strokes with the hickory paddle are just way too many. If I think I have that many coming I can barely force myself to hold still for even the first couple of strokes. I am way too scared to co-operate which makes you frustrated and angry and eventually you just give up and walk away mad. In a way I end up getting out of the punishment, which isn’t fair to either of us. So my suggestion is 5 strokes for each chore or task that I’m supposed to complete that isn’t done by the given deadline, such as when you get home. Then an additional 5 strokes for every additional time the same chore isn’t complete. For example, if I forget to lay out your clothes, I get 5 strokes. If I forget to lay them out again, I would get 10 and the third time 15, and so on. I think that if we did it this way, I would actually get the external motivation I need to build healthier habits, and the punishment wouldn’t be such a chore for you because I won’t fight you on it. Also I was thinking that for any stalling, arguing or covering of my behind should result in 2 penalty strokes. I can learn some self discipline to take what I have coming to me and the whole thing can be over in a matter of minutes with very little effort on your part. Also you may want to consider reserving the hickory paddle for more serious offenses, like if I did something stupid that put my safety at risk or if I were to directly disobey you. Trust me, the way you use the strap on me is plenty attention getting.
I think if we implement this way of handling my behavior and stay consistent with it for about 3 months I really think things will improve. I think the frequency that you will have to discipline me would be a lot less often. Without that discipline and structure that I know you can give me, and left to my own devices, I make poor choices. I think that if you were to take the time every day to see that I had accomplished what I was supposed to I wouldn’t provoke you as much. If I was disciplined consistently for my smart mouth and disrespect that would probably get better too. I think the problem has been spankings that got too hard and I was scared to take it at all and then I fought you and it became a chore or I would resented the discipline because in fight and refusal to move I caught a smack somewhere other than my behind.
I would really like to re-visit this. After some thought I believe I know why it didn’t work the first time and how we can make it work this time. I’m really hoping you’ll try it again. If it doesn’t work then perhaps we can find something that does.
I read these blogs by women and men that practice domestic discipline in their house. I completely understand where the women are coming from. I can’t really explain it or put it into words but I really think it would work for us too. I would be happy to show you the blogs or any of the other websites that explain and discuss domestic discipline. I’m not crazy, I’m not a masochist, and I’m not the only one who feels like this is important. I just thrive under guidance and structure and external motivation. I think you know that I don’t enjoy being punished. I don’t enjoy being spanked. What I do enjoy is feeling important and cared about enough that what I do matters to you because I matter to you. I also like the way I feel afterwards, I actually feel like a better person, I feel like I can do things better and I feel proud of myself for staying in line and doing what I am supposed to do. I also know that I have these bad habits that I want to change; I’m just not a self motivated type of person. I was thinking along with the chore sheet perhaps we should have a list of rules so that I can really work on some of these habits. Here are the rules that I think are good and you can change whatever you want,

1. Be respectful
2. No temper tantrums
3. No smart mouth
4. Complete your chores, all chores all the time
5. Do not leave laundry in the dryer or folded in the basket
6. Clean out the fridge every Friday
7. No smoking in the house
8. Complete all tasks on time (errands, phone calls, business to be handled)
9. Be obedient, no means no
Eventually I would like you to help me quit smoking but that’s later.

My submission as it is right now

I've always known that I wanted to be with a man that was a strong leader. The man I chose is naturally dominant and I am somewhat naturally submissive. I have no problem asking him if wants something to eat or drink, or another drink. I fix his plate and bring him everything he needs or asks for (that doesn't mean he never gets anything for himself, it's just that I do it most of the time) and it's not because I have to, it just comes naturally to me. I often answer any direct question with "yes Sir" or "no Sir". Not because he asked me to it just seemed appropriate. And yet I find that I am not as submissive as I should be, and hes not exactly living up to my definition of HOH. The chores aren't getting done and there seem to be no consequences and I find that as a result of him not following through I am provoking him into spanking me. I know that this is not submissive, but what am I supposed to do when he isn't holding me accountable for what I'm not doing?